Brenda Originally published on Medium on May 16, 2024
Just as I have no responsibility for other people’s reactions to things, I have no responsibility for how they feel about me. This may seem obvious to most of you, but some of you will understand how profound this statement can be to a person raised to believe only other people matter.
“What other people think and say about you is none of your business. The most destructive thing you would ever do is to believe someone else’s opinion of you. You have to stop letting other people’s opinions control you.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart¹
I am who I am; if they can’t see my value, it’s on them, not me. As an empath, I’m often a magnet to narcissists. I never fully understood that until recently. I used to ask myself why; why won’t they leave me alone? I now understand this better and can avoid them much of the time.
I’ve lived an unconventional life. Everything that seemed to matter to other people never mattered to me. I’ve always valued connection, love, learning, and peaceful moments. Growing up, I didn’t have many of those, so they are now more precious to me than money, things, and ambition.
I’ve spent most of my life being good and trying not to offend others. In the end, all I accomplished was offending and tormenting myself. When a child grows up with abuse and withholding of love, they are doomed in one way or another to spend the rest of their lives in pursuit of their basic needs. They search for love, acceptance, approval, and safety. Since they were never taught what those things feel like, they are continually drawn to people who will only give them more famine.
I’ve always asked myself not where the feast is but why I wasn’t invited. I never understood that I had the ticket all along. Victim mentality says that everyone but you can participate in the joys and bounty of life. It’s your choice to stay behind and moan about how no one cares for you. We all have pain; it’s the only way people learn, but what you do with that pain is entirely up to you.
I’ve always asked myself not where the feast is but why I wasn’t invited.
When someone approaches me in anger or accusation, I have a choice. First, I have to ask myself, are they right? Did I do something that I should apologize for? If so, I apologize and do what I can to make it right. If the accusation is false and I declare that, but they continue to accuse me, I must walk away because there is often no way to convince the other person. The accusation is no longer about me but about them.
Once I determine they are trying to victimize me, my responsibility ends. If I were to continue to defend myself and engage with the person, I am allowing them power over me and my choices. When I step away, I take my power with me.
It used to matter to me what people thought of me. Now, what matters to me is who I am. Some people will like me, and some won’t. It’s true of everyone. Some will see my worth, and others will see their desires. There is a distinct difference. Know your worth, and you will never allow others to use you for their own selfish reasons.
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