Fear is a Creativity Killer

Maybe what you fear is yourself.

Many would-be writers have said, “I want to write, but I’m afraid.”

What is it about these words that are so terrifying? These are my thoughts on the topic, coming from a writer and author who completely understands the fear. But I’m only beginning to understand where it originates.

The Writing Dream

When I was young, the desire to write was a flame that burned at the center of my being. It seemed to hover on the edges of everything I happened to be doing at the time. I would scribble a few words here and there, mostly in my journal, and that seemed to cause the flame to burn brighter, like throwing dry logs onto a hearth fire. It crackled and burned, seemingly intent on consuming my very soul.

Eventually, I began fiddling with a story, even getting up at 5 am for a while to write while my children slept. And that’s when the fear struck. As long as I wasn’t actually putting words down, as long as I only daydreamed about being a writer, there was no fear. The second I began actually doing something about it, it was like someone threw a huge bucket of water on the fire and drowned it out.

And somehow, it kindled again. And again. Until I couldn’t ignore it. I bought my first laptop, and my fingers began to itch. This perfect little machine was just waiting for me to put my words into it. So, I pushed past the fear by withdrawing from the world for a while.

My children were homeschooled, so there wasn’t a lot of free time for me that didn’t include lesson planning and dealing with the kids’ needs. So, one summer, while my husband worked 12-hour shifts at the local mill, I took the kids camping—for two months!

We rented a campsite at Blue Lake, about 20 minutes out of town. I borrowed a friend’s tent trailer and set it up for the summer. I took my new little Apple iBook and wrote the first draft of my memoir. It later became a novel called Love Hurts. I was so proud of myself. I sat in a chair at the campsite or by the lake, watching the kids (who were all good swimmers and pre-teens) and writing. They had the best summer of their lives, and I finally beat the fear. Or so I thought.

It took me several more drafts and a lot of procrastination before I finally wrote a novel. Writing that first draft, I realized I wasn’t ready to tell the truth yet. I will write more about my journey, but that’s for another day.

Love Hurts by Brenda Grate

In my book Love Hurts, Anna’s sister, Jilly, struggles with her fear. She doesn’t understand why she can no longer create. She goes to the local art gallery to look at the paintings, hoping for inspiration to break through what’s blocking her.

Jilly sank cross-legged to the floor and opened her oversized purse. She pulled out a pristine sketch pad and a new charcoal pencil. This she clutched in her hand as images formed in her mind. The images today were stark, straight lines and right angles. They were open mouths, screaming. But none of the figures had ears, so the screaming went on and on with nowhere to land. Her hand cramped as she squeezed the pencil tighter, the emotion building, desperately wanting to break free. No matter how much she wished it, she couldn’t release it. She forced her hand open, and the pencil hit the floor, the point breaking off and skittering away. Her vision blurred. A single tear dropped onto the paper, marking its perfect surface. Unable to stand the sight, Jilly put the paper and pencil away, their perfection gone. ~Brenda Grate, Love Hurts

I am both a writer and an artist, so it made sense to me that what causes fear in a writer can also cause fear in an artist. I believe the fear that stops us from creating is the fear of the truth.

The truth is what has caused us pain. The truth is what we want to write, but how can we when we can’t face our own truth? We all have pain. Some of us more than others, but pain doesn’t live on a scale. Pain is pain, no matter how horrific or seemingly mundane the circumstances that caused it. At one point in my life I believed that to write truly deep words, you had to have experienced pain in your life. I understand we all have pain, but that’s not what causes a person to write — it’s often what stops them.

The person who writes openly and honestly is willing to face the truth of who they are. They’ve gotten in touch with their own truth and have often begun the healing process. I believe, like talk therapy, writing is one of the most powerful healing methods there is.

Maybe the fear you’re experiencing is the fear of yourself. When you paint a picture or write words on a page, you are revealing your true self. It’s terrifying. I get that. Until you stop being afraid of yourself, you will never stop being afraid of your creativity. I was even afraid of my own children at one point. I didn’t understand that, but now I do. Whatever we create, in whatever form, comes from us.

Creativity is the ultimate act of love. Children are born from this act, even though it might not always be performed in love. Creating a work of art in whatever form is an act of love. Sharing it with others is another act of love. How can we truly love what we create if we don’t love ourselves?

The ones who share their work freely and aren’t afraid of what might come of it aren’t afraid of themselves. They have learned to love who they are, and therefore, they love creating. It might not always look how they want it to, but they’re willing to mold and shape it to the best form possible.

To love your words, you must first love yourself. To banish the fear, allow love for yourself to grow.